I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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