I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
