Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
