Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
