just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
should my penis look like a turkey
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
