How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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