so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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