That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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