I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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