Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
