I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
