yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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