so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
