1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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