My Higher Power is John Stamos
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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