she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
