Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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