I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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