I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
