Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
