If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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