some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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