i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
