i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
