Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
