I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
