waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
