There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
