I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
