i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Randomize
