There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
