You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
