I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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