did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
