The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
