Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
