my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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