There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
