Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
