fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
