You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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