My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
