I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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