Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize