I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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