a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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