my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize