i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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