if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
