WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize