my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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