you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
only you would photoshop your dick
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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