i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Floor bacon is actually really good
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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