you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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