.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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