this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
