I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
