Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
