so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
