Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
