She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
