my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
