I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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