alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
