You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
