I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
