you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
