it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
