if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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