just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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