You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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