I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
