So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
