I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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