his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize