when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize