Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Randomize
