...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
